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Dear Covid-19

by Adam Zack — August 26, 2020

Pack your bags and hit the road.

On behalf of the independent grocers all over the world, I’d like to invite you to just go. Pack your bags and hit the road. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. We’ve met your novel challenge by being innovative, improving safety and sanitation, procuring toilet paper from previously unused sources and made all kinds of adjustments to cater to you, Mr. Contagious. You have really brought out the best in us, but we were a pretty great group before, so you don’t get credit. So now, many months into dealing with your crap, we’ve had enough. More importantly, our customers have had enough. The summer has been a bust with you around, and the thought of you overstaying your welcome into the holidays is depressing. You’re a real buzz-kill. You’re probably really proud of yourself – contributing to a political shit-show, infecting millions of people and killing hundreds of thousands more – but crashing our party and overstaying your welcome is going to end soon. We’ll be better when you’re gone – we always rise to challenges – but it will not be because of you, it will be in spite of you.

So in closing, please accept our invitation to leave before we call security to throw your ass out.

Sincerely,

The Independent Grocers

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